If You Want Something, You've Gotta Ask For It...

Craig Rowin posted that on YouTube a couple of months ago. Too bad it wasn't your idea.

From HuffPo:

Two months ago, Brooklyn Comedian Craig Rowin made a YouTube video asking for $1 million. Not for any purpose, mind you, he just wanted a million dollars. Rowin now reports, in a new video, that he's found a man willing to pony up the cash to make his dream a reality.
Rowin got a call on his answering machine stating, "Hi Craig, Benjamin, I was hoping to catch you in person. I want to talk about how to make you a millionaire."
The funnyman admits that, at first, he was skeptical, but then he received a notarized letter from Benjamin's lawyer, notifying him that the proposition was legitimate.
"I'm overwhelmed right now," Rowin told the Daily News. "I'm trying to figure all this out right now."
Rowin will receive his check at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater on Feb. 2.

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Living In The City Is Such A Rat Race

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Things You Thought You Saw Last Weekend In Hermosa Beach...

...but didn't.

H/T: BoingBoing

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The Two Musketeers

These robbers tried to knock off the joint with a musket. It didn't work.
But it was pretty old school.
(H/T: Boing Boing)

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Jailhouse Crock

This is not from the Onion; this is from the Orange County Register:

Festivus may only come around once a year – more often if you watch Seinfeld reruns – but longtime county inmate Malcolm Alarmo King was able to celebrate it three times a day while locked up at the Theo Lacy jail in Orange.

King’s quest for a healthier eating option while behind bars ended with a county lawyer forced to research the origin of Festivus and its traditions and a Superior Court judge recognizing the holiday – which lodged its place in pop culture on an episode of Seinfeld – as a legitimate religion.

The menu selection at Theo Lacy apparently didn’t please King, 38, when he was booked into the jail on drug charges in April...

So King, who is also suspected of being in the country illegally from Liberia, asked for kosher meals.

That was not because of his religion, but because they were healthier – and the 5′8″ 180 lb King wanted double portions to maintain his physique, said his attorney, Fred Thiagarajah.

Judge Derek G. Johnson signed off... .

Judge Johnson pulled King’s lawyer and the prosecutor aside and said he needed a religion to put down on the order to make it stick, explained Thiagarajah.

“I said Festivus,” said Thiagarajah. The order was granted – three non-salami meals a day.

County Counsel researched Festivus, arguing the holiday was the creation of writer Dan O’Keefe to celebrate his first date with his wife in 1966. The holiday was introduced to the world by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for Seinfeld, who wrote it into the show...

Gather 'round the Festivus pole and read more here.

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Fire Your Maid

Click to enlarge...

H/T: Boing Boing

Life In The Fast Lane

From The Smoking Gun:

A Cincinnati woman was simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic video while driving last week, according to cops who arrested her on assorted criminal charges.
Colondra Hamilton, 36, was pulled over last Tuesday evening in a traffic stop triggered when cops noticed she was driving a 2008 Pontiac with overly tinted windows.
That’s when officers noticed that Hamilton’s pants were unbuttoned. And she had a vibrator in her lap. Questioned by cops, Hamilton admitted to engaging in auto erotic manipulation, and revealed that she had also been watching a porno movie that was playing on the laptop of a friend in the passenger seat, according to an Elmwood Place Police Department report.

No word on whether she was wearing her seat belt.

...But I Was Really Hell On Wheels When I Had A Rotary Phone!

More here.

He Died With A Little Help From His Friends.

From Shanghaiist.com:

A man has died after an eel that was inserted into his rectum gnawed away at his bowels, causing agonising injuries which were eventually fatal.
The 59-year-old man, a chef, was reportedly taken to a Sichuan hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration and a great deal of anal bleeding. He was soon diagnosed as being in a severe state of shock.
Doctors were mystified as to the cause, and obtained permission from his family to undertake an exploratory laparotomy. Cutting open his innards, they discovered a 50cm long Asian swamp eel lodged in his rectum.
Though dead, the eel had apparently already wrought havoc on his innards, biting its way through his intestines prior to dying. Internal bleeding and infection rapidly set in.
He was reported to have eaten a lot of eel the previous day, but otherwise doctors had no idea how the creature had got there. His condition quickly worsened.
He lingered for 10 days in intensive care but eventually succumbed to the injuries and sepsis.
The likely cause was eventually established - he had apparently been drinking with friends, and had passed out. His friends had decided it would be amusing to insert a live eel into his anus whilst he was comatose.
Police have reportedly begun an investigation.

Mission: Impossible.

H/T: The Daily What.

Mötorhead + Larry David = LärryDavHead.

H/T: BoingBoing.

Dr. Ernest Otherford Blinds You With Science.

A Five-Year-Old Can Kick Your A$$.

H/T: NY Daily News

Rock N' Roll Animal.

Lou Reed has an iPhone app for your pale blue eyes.

Five-Finger Sunday School.

H/T: "The Best-Looking Man in Show Business Today" (TBLMISBT.)

From 'Boing Boing': Homemade Russian Water Purifier.

Mmmmm....yzumitelno!

Dylan To NJ Cops: Don't Think Twice, It's All Right.

How does it feel

How does it feel

To be on your own

With no direction home

Like a complete unknown

Like a rolling stone?

From apnews.myway.com:

Rock legend Bob Dylan was treated like a complete unknown by police in a New Jersey shore community when a resident called to report someone wandering around the neighborhood.

Dylan was in Long Branch, about a two-hour drive south of New York City, on July 23 as part of a tour with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp that was to play at a baseball stadium in nearby Lakewood.

A 24-year-old police officer apparently was unaware of who Dylan is and asked him for identification, Long Branch business administrator Howard Woolley said Friday.

"I don't think she was familiar with his entire body of work," Woolley said.

The incident began at 5 p.m. when a resident said a man was wandering around a low-income, predominantly minority neighborhood several blocks from the oceanfront looking at houses.

The police officer drove up to Dylan, who was wearing a blue jacket, and asked him his name. According to Woolley, the following exchange ensued:

"What is your name, sir?" the officer asked.

"Bob Dylan," Dylan said.

"OK, what are you doing here?" the officer asked.

"I'm on tour," the singer replied.

A second officer, also in his 20s, responded to assist the first officer. He, too, apparently was unfamiliar with Dylan, Woolley said.

The officers asked Dylan for identification. The singer of such classics as "Like a Rolling Stone" and "Blowin' in the Wind" said that he didn't have any ID with him, that he was just walking around looking at houses to pass some time before that night's show.

The officers asked Dylan, 68, to accompany them back to the Ocean Place Resort and Spa, where the performers were staying. Once there, tour staff vouched for Dylan.

The officers thanked him for his cooperation.

"He couldn't have been any nicer to them," Woolley added.

Ain't talkin', just walkin'

Through this weary world of woe
Heart burnin', still yearnin'

No one on earth would ever know

Grecian Formula.

Youch.

From the Telegraph (UK):

A 26-year old Greek woman has become an overnight national hero after setting fire to the genitals of a 23-year old drunken Briton who allegedly tried to sexually assault her in a crowded bar.

The unidentified woman from the fiercely proud island of Crete won herself even more praise by doing the right legal thing – turning herself over to police and the courts to be put on trial for what she claimed was her "right to self-defence".

She is currently facing an investigating magistrate on charges of causing bodily injuries to the Briton and of endangering private property.

The Briton himself, whose name is expected to be released later, is currently in a private clinic in Heraklion, the capital of Crete island, being treated for second degree burns to his testicles and penis.According to a police statement issued last night the incident occurred at a club in the notorious coastal resort of Malia, which is dominated by young Britons seeking all-night revelry.

It alleged the Briton took down his trousers and started waving his genitals at a number of girls. He then specifically "forcefully fondled" the 26-year old Greek woman, asking her to take hold of his genitals. After asking him to stop harassing her, the police said, she poured the alcoholic drink Sabucco on his genitals (an Italian brand type of Greek ouzo or French Pernod drink). This again allegedly failed to stop his advances, so the woman seized a lighter and set fire to the alcohol-drenched genitals, local press reports said.

That will probably be the last time this liquored-up Brit goes clubbing in search of Greek sex.

Armed & Dangerous.

I know the look I like, and the gym-obsessed, over-toned Madonna doesn't have it. That's OK; I don't like her music, either.

Wieners On The House.

The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into a Wisconsin house today.

That really messed up the bun...