Say it ain't so, LeBron. Miami? Really? Miami?
We've been there, and believe us, it's no paradise, despite the palm trees.
Let's start with the weather. Yeah, it's nice in the winter. But for 10 months of the year, it's hot, it's humid, it's rainy, it's the sixth most uncomfortable city in America. Miami regularly gets socked by hurricanes, and was hit by one of the worst ever to hit the U.S. mainland. Florida is the "thunderstorm capital of the nation," and leads the nation in deaths by lightning. But it still gets cold enough, once in a while, to kill off all the oranges, tomatoes, lettuce and cucumbers.
Then there's pests of every kind and description. Alligators that eat pets. Alligators that eat children. Killer sharks. Pythons living in the Everglades -- 175,000 of them. Things called "love bugs" that copulate in flight and then smack into your car, where their body fluids actually eat away the paint. Cockroaches the size of helicopters. Enormous toads that will poison your dog. Feral ducks that poop a third of a pound a day.
Traffic congestion so bad it imperils the economy. Ecological degradation of the Everglades. Poisoned drinking water. Beaches often have tar balls on them, and they're going to have a lot more.
It's not exactly a tranquil place, either. Lots of crime. Miami's one of the most crime-infested cities in the country. What kind? Major drug trafficking. Mail-order murder. Serial killers. Serial pet killers, for Pete's sake. Crime so bad, in fact, that they put it in movies. And if all that weren't bad enough, some of the most deadly riots in American history.
Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert issued this statement, and there were no "best of lucks":
Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a several-day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.
You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
You have given so much and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: "I personally guarantee that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA Championship before the self-titled former 'king' wins one."
You can take it to the bank.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.
This shocking act of disloyalty from our homegrown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.
The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
Sleep well, Cleveland. Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day...
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue...
More from Gilbert here.
Check out Cavs' fan reactions here.
...and Cleveland still rocks...