I didn't know Nurse Ratched took a job with U.S. Customs

     I am not a religious man, so the story of heaven and hell wasn't written for me. I do, however, appreciate metaphor, and these last few hours were missing only flames and a fiery red man with a pitchfork and a pointy tail.

     Everything was working out just fine. Taipei was drizzly and cold, but it's February. It was also the middle of the lunar New Year celebration (the Year of the Rat!), so the general mood was festive and loose. But that was before I returned to LAX and ran smack-dab into Nurse Ratched, AKA Inspector Murphy.

     I'm back home in Redondo Beach. I should be sipping a cerveza in the Mexicana Airline terminal, awaiting my 12:30 AM flight to Guadalajara. But Inspector Murphy had other plans. 

     Hand-carries are very common; they occur between most all major cities worldwide. Tonight, however, Inspector Murphy told me that she wanted to "teach Texas Instruments a lesson." And, yes, that is a direct quote.

     The box I carried has a value of $2327.00. Last week, I breezed through Customs with a box worth $3850.00. The "official" limit for a "formal" Customs entry--whether for U.S. consumption or an in-transit type (which these are)--is $2000.00. Most officers wave the hand-carries through, as they view them as of minimum priority, and certainly not for commercial or resale purposes. They are typically samples, prototypes, or for design purposes only. The U.S. government garners no duty revenue from boxes originating in one country and destined for another, so it's not a matter of screwing Uncle Sam. The only screwing done tonight was to Uncle John.

     Inspector Murphy seized the box. She assured me that it had "nothing to do" with me, but that she had told "them" (who remain undefined), and that "they" needed to be taught a lesson. I explained that I was sent to Taipei exclusively for this one little box, and that people were waiting for me in Guadalajara. She is a Customs supervisor, however, and even her underlings couldn't help me, although they tried. 

     After my charm initiative failed, I bolted the terminal and took a cab for the China Airlines bonded warehouse, where the fugitive box was sent. They tried to help me there, too. Then I took a cab to U.S. Customs headquarters, where--of course--the Customs computer system was down. Funny; in the close to 15 years that I spent working for F.W. Myers, the Customs computer system was also usually down. Do they need an I.T. guy or something?

     Inspector Murphy's "lesson" to T.I. (for the sake of $237.00) has cost the company that sent me to Taipei a ton of dough, I'm sure, and those costs will be passed along to T.I., who probably also lost money, as this was a hand-carry for a reason: it's bloody urgent!

     In "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", McMurphy tried to strangle Nurse Ratched. I've always loved that movie, and similar thoughts flickered in my jet-lagged mind as I tried to reason with Inspector Murphy. But in the movie, McMurphy was lobotomized, and at LAX, Inspector Murphy is armed. 

     So I'm back home in Redondo Beach, and I'll call a customs broker in the morning. It's the weekend, so I'm not sure what I can accomplish. However, I haven't been lobotomized or shot.

     Happy New Year!